Have you ever watched a river flow by, cutting through the rocks and pebbles in its path? Or the mountains stand tall against the winds that cut and scrape at its surface, molding its structure with every whiff?
Indeed, there’s a crack in everything, and that’s how the light gets in. (Leonard Cohen, Anthem)
There is a certain beauty in the brokenness that inspires the beholder to do something, be someone, get somewhere.
Some sympathize, others learn a lesson and yet others like me celebrate the brokenness, cause that’s what prepares you for the blessings ahead.
All These Pieces Broken and Scattered
The past 2 weeks in Kerala have been a real invigorating experience. Not because I saw the most beautiful landscapes around, but because I met some real interesting human beings- with stories as old as time and yet a memory that’s entirely unique to them.
Some of them moved me to such an extent that I couldn’t pen down a “grateful” thought for 2 weeks.
Why? Because I was viewing their lost dreams as the harsh reality of every human being!
To be fair, some of them had really put their heart and soul into achieving the dream, only to realize it was their own design and not part of their God-given dreams.
I continued in that perception until this Wednesday, when I put a new lens to perceive the brokenness.
In Mercy Gathered, Mended and Whole
I was broken once, well not once but multiple times. I’ll write about all that sometime, when perhaps I am a lot more comfortable sharing.
But had it not been for my brokenness, I wouldn’t be the way I am today. God has played the greatest role in my present state of being, which is why no matter what I write, where I write, I can’t help but allude to Him.
I remember one day in particular, where all hope seemed lost. It was the 14th of August 2019.
I sat on the floor, praying hard for a certain result (as if that would change what I wrote) and I was listening to this song on repeat-
Ahh, the day is fresh as a daisy in my memory. All sorts of thought were running through my cluttered mind. The most primary one being- what if I fail? How would I do it all over again?
Even the question evoked incomparable fear and yet I already knew the answer- I knew I was going to fail. And yet somehow maybe God would do a miracle, swap my marks, change my paper. Maybe I could bribe Him with a little time on my knees?
Well, to cut the chase, none of it worked.
The results were inevitably negative and that’s when I broke, again.
Empty-handed but Not Forsaken
I remember my parents consoling me (they have been ever-so supportive). Mum slept next to me all night, holding on tight, and yet I had a nightmare, which went like this-
I saw the doors and windows of my room crash open and skulls hanging all over the place, laughing devilishly. They seemed to be jeering at me, asking what I would do now.
What could I do?
Why was it a big deal, Sany?
Imagine a student who’s never known defeat in their entire academic career. One of the top-scorers, model student, class monitor, well-groomed orator, with above-average literary skills- failing to get even 40 out of 100 in their papers.
I could choose to say that I was never designed for it, that it wasn’t my forte, but then who comes equipped from their mother’s womb?
You learn as you go. And that’s the truth of life, the beauty in the brokenness.
I’ve Been Set Free, I’ve Been Set Free
Anything that’s broken must be renovated from scratch. Cause if you just repair the breach, without renovating the wall, fresh cracks will appear all over again.
Now, when you are rebuilding it from scratch, you have 2 options-restore it to the old structure or build an entirely new structure.
I chose to do the later. Some may say that I quit.
Yes, I did. I set myself free to pursue new things, perhaps one’s more aligned to my Personal Legend.
And this time around, I chose grace to lead the way.
Amazing Grace…that Saved a Wretch Like Me!
Will I never break again? Of course, I will. That’s how and “why” I was made.
In fact, that’s our inherent nature as human beings. For what are we but jars of clay, crafted in the very likeness of God. We come from clay and return back to it.
We break and repair/rebuild a billion times throughout our lives. And yet, His grace empowers us to come out, stronger and better than we were before.
